Lapflapzag is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, bad-tempered cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Lapflapzag created a bottom quark nine million years ago.

If you believe in Lapflapzag, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Lapflapzag, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Lapflapzag's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Lapflapzag's Holy Commandments

1. Never record signs.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Never pray while filled with joy.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never adorn your face with orange markings.