Futnartpak is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, omnipotent cow.

Futnartpak created matter seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Futnartpak, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Futnartpak, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Futnartpak's most sacred site is Hondarribia in Spain.

Futnartpak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Worship no other gods but Futnartpak.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Futnartpak.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.