Mettoffarn is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, conceited parrot.

Mettoffarn created bats five billion years ago.

If you believe in Mettoffarn, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Mettoffarn, she will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Mettoffarn's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Mettoffarn's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Always treat voles with great respect.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.