Bemzenloop is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, annoying tortoise.

Bemzenloop created the planet Saturn nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bemzenloop, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Bemzenloop, it will refuse to believe in you.

Bemzenloop's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Bemzenloop's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Bemzenloop.

2. Do not hurt pigs.

3. Never write about quantum field theory.

4. Do not name children after swans.

5. Feed all hungry sharks.