Tonlapkonlid is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, staggering troll.

Tonlapkonlid created humanity five billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonlapkonlid, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Tonlapkonlid, it will jump up and down on your head.

Tonlapkonlid's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Tonlapkonlid's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Tonlapkonlid.

2. Never talk about fluid mechanics.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.