Gofgarcen is a god.

It takes the form of a slim, charitable wolf.

Gofgarcen created the cosmos eight million years ago.

If you believe in Gofgarcen, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Gofgarcen, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Gofgarcen's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Gofgarcen's Holy Commandments

1. Erect six nickel sculptures of Gofgarcen on top of important buildings.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near goats while wearing violet hats and balancing four gold spheres on your chest.

3. Gofgarcen loves hamsters, so they must be honoured.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Always look after injured dolphins.