Bigtargdonmum is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, grumpy gorilla.

Bigtargdonmum created light seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bigtargdonmum, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Bigtargdonmum, he will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Bigtargdonmum's most sacred site is Vandet in Denmark.

Bigtargdonmum's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed strawberries to hamsters while wearing yellow scarves.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never talk about cell theory.

4. Never run in holy places.

5. Always make sure there are no badgers in a room before entering it.