Govnelsomxin is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, irritating turtle.

Govnelsomxin created Europe six million years ago.

If you believe in Govnelsomxin, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Govnelsomxin, she will not care.

Govnelsomxin's most sacred site is Dingcun in China.

Govnelsomxin's Holy Commandments

1. Always act with patience when addressing strangers.

2. Never mix corn with oil.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not speak of thermodynamics near sacred fires.