Fontamxem is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, dishonourable naga.

Fontamxem created a quark seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Fontamxem, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Fontamxem, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Fontamxem's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Fontamxem's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Never feed lots of garlic to moths while wearing green coats.

5. Never look in ponds.