Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, witless newt.

Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab created the cosmos seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab, it will torture you forever.

Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab's most sacred site is Qantir in Egypt.

Kapxemfarnzakmatkonsatmab's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed melons to gulls while wearing fawn skirts.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Always treat tapirs with great respect.

4. Always help sick goats.

5. Never look at asteroids.