Cunzengess is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, wise aardvark.

Cunzengess created carbon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Cunzengess, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Cunzengess, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Cunzengess' most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Cunzengess' Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt tortoises.

2. Never write about stars.

3. Always make sure there are no goats in a room before entering it.

4. Worship no other gods but Cunzengess.

5. Do not laugh in public.