Sogtifstik is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, compassionate gerbil.

Sogtifstik created light three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Sogtifstik, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Sogtifstik, she will turn you into a sparrow.

Sogtifstik's most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Sogtifstik's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Never think about electromagnetism near snakes while wearing red shirts and balancing five silver spheres on your neck.

4. Never eat strawberries.

5. Learn eight new languages a year.