Gartonkem is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, proud slug.

Gartonkem created oxygen eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Gartonkem, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Gartonkem, she will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Gartonkem's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Gartonkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt porpoises.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate manatees.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Do not dye your hair blue.

5. Do not drink alcohol.