Nigranpad is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, tiresome meerkat.

Nigranpad created bats three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nigranpad, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Nigranpad, he will cry a lot.

Nigranpad's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Nigranpad's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Nigranpad must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Never feed aubergines to gulls while wearing jumpers.

4. Always make sure there are no tortoises in a building before entering it.

5. Always look after injured dogs.