Jarnwipgam is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, annoying walrus.

Jarnwipgam created the planet Venus six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jarnwipgam, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Jarnwipgam, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Jarnwipgam's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Jarnwipgam's Holy Commandments

1. Learn seven new languages a year.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Never eat spinach.