Tanpanfab is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, intelligent gorilla.

Tanpanfab created the Andromeda Galaxy nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tanpanfab, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Tanpanfab, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tanpanfab's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Tanpanfab's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate tortoises.

2. Tanpanfab loves eagles, so they must be honoured.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Do not chop down trees.