Futvinmid Hapbontab is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, witless badger.

Futvinmid Hapbontab created the planet Earth six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Futvinmid Hapbontab, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Futvinmid Hapbontab, it will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Futvinmid Hapbontab's most sacred site is Gohrau in Germany.

Futvinmid Hapbontab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in purple rooms.

2. Do not shave your chest.

3. Hide from pink dogs for they are unholy.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Futvinmid Hapbontab.