Gesslaptaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, blissful swallow.

Gesslaptaf created carbon seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gesslaptaf, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gesslaptaf, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Gesslaptaf's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Gesslaptaf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of lead.

2. Always make sure there are no mites in a room before entering it.

3. Do not speak about coconuts.

4. Do not commit murder.

5. Always obey Gesslaptaf's priests.