Volcetgig is a god.

It takes the form of an one thousand metre long, ruthless clam.

Volcetgig created the planet Earth three million years ago.

If you believe in Volcetgig, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Volcetgig, it will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Volcetgig's most sacred site is Pontelandolfo in Italy.

Volcetgig's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least three thousand metres per day.

2. Always treat voles with great respect.

3. Never talk about chromosomes.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Never feed lots of oranges to aardvarks while wearing black rings.