Lagvonlistnul is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, dishonourable newt.

Lagvonlistnul created the Small Magellanic Cloud nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagvonlistnul, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Lagvonlistnul, he will remove you from existence.

Lagvonlistnul's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Lagvonlistnul's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Dolphins are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never eat bread.