Cudquatmin is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, temperamental tortoise.

Cudquatmin created Africa six million years ago.

If you believe in Cudquatmin, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Cudquatmin, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Cudquatmin's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Cudquatmin's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed spinach to manatees while wearing shorts.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate voles.

3. Do not shave your head.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Always look after injured tortoises.