Ladquafcet is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, bad-tempered alligator.

Ladquafcet created bats nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ladquafcet, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Ladquafcet, he will turn you into a goat.

Ladquafcet's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Ladquafcet's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat gooseberries.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Pray towards the south.

4. Never feed lots of tomatoes to porpoises while wearing violet kilts.

5. Never play with disobedient children.