Nakmutkin is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, impressive seal.

Nakmutkin created a down quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Nakmutkin, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Nakmutkin, he will boil you in a big pot.

Nakmutkin's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Nakmutkin's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Do not sprint in public.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Nakmutkin.

5. Never write about deoxyribonucleic acid.