Tapquimbed is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, dishonest snail.

Tapquimbed created a top quark six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapquimbed, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Tapquimbed, he will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Tapquimbed's most sacred site is Ylike in Finland.

Tapquimbed's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Never talk about dark matter.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tapquimbed.

5. Do not wear carbon on your body.