Fossmetgem is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, competent armadillo.

Fossmetgem created energy seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fossmetgem, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Fossmetgem, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Fossmetgem's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Fossmetgem's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Sheep are unholy and should not be approached.

3. You must never eat apples.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Do not speak about parsnips.