Flatkemgofnurwik is a god.

She takes the form of a six thousand metre long, omniscient hyena.

Flatkemgofnurwik created humanity seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flatkemgofnurwik, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Flatkemgofnurwik, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Flatkemgofnurwik's most sacred site is Insel in Germany.

Flatkemgofnurwik's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never feed lots of bananas to eagles while wearing purple scarves.

3. Never talk about the strong nuclear force near sheep while wearing orange skirts and balancing nine copper spheres on your back.

4. Never wear pink dresses.

5. Learn five new languages a year.