Quagvonkdan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, proud camel.

Quagvonkdan created a strange quark nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quagvonkdan, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Quagvonkdan, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Quagvonkdan's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Quagvonkdan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Erect a giant titanium sculpture of Quagvonkdan in the centre of the settlement.

3. Do not shave your back.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not commit murder.