Tamlarpvog is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, contented clam.

Tamlarpvog created a down quark eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tamlarpvog, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Tamlarpvog, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Tamlarpvog's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Tamlarpvog's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

3. Worship no other gods but Tamlarpvog.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. You must love Tamlarpvog.