Tarpwotjop is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, dishonest finch.

Tarpwotjop created a Higgs boson six million years ago.

If you believe in Tarpwotjop, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tarpwotjop, it will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Tarpwotjop's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Tarpwotjop's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Tarpwotjop on top of all buildings.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Never feed pineapples to gulls while wearing purple hats.

5. Never run near eagles.