Gofquartcep is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, bad-tempered newt.

Gofquartcep created light six billion years ago.

If you believe in Gofquartcep, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Gofquartcep, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Gofquartcep's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Gofquartcep's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about bacteria.

2. Draw representations of planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Do not hurt geese.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. You must never eat corn.