Jarnpasyog is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely fat, emotional hummingbird.

Jarnpasyog created dark matter four million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnpasyog, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Jarnpasyog, it will send you a sign.

Jarnpasyog's most sacred site is Katballe in Denmark.

Jarnpasyog's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large silver sculpture of Jarnpasyog on top of all buildings.

2. Never think about quantum mechanics.

3. Never feed wheat to squirrels while wearing skirts.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.