Fetlignuttvan is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, generous squid.

Fetlignuttvan created dark matter eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Fetlignuttvan, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Fetlignuttvan, she will turn you into a dog.

Fetlignuttvan's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Fetlignuttvan's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Never paint your neck brown.

3. Draw representations of black holes on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Do not trade with those who eat carrots.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Fetlignuttvan.