Hakgofjen is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, charitable squid.

Hakgofjen created the Milkyway four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hakgofjen, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Hakgofjen, she will turn you into a mouse.

Hakgofjen's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Hakgofjen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak about garlic.

2. Always look after injured monkeys.

3. Never look at galaxies.

4. Never hurt seals.

5. Never eat nuts.