Bagquatfen is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, self-assured crane.

Bagquatfen created carbon eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bagquatfen, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Bagquatfen, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Bagquatfen's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Bagquatfen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

5. Do not listen to music.