Hasgodtikran is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, unfair clam.

Hasgodtikran created carbon eight million years ago.

If you believe in Hasgodtikran, she will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Hasgodtikran, she will turn you into a mouse.

Hasgodtikran's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Hasgodtikran's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Hasgodtikran.

2. Never think about quantum mechanics near whales while wearing green jumpers and balancing eight aluminium spheres on your hands.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never talk about geese.

5. You must pray to Hasgodtikran six times a day.