Tarphatquart is a god.

She takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, all-powerful bird.

Tarphatquart created the solar system eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tarphatquart, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tarphatquart, she will send you a sign.

Tarphatquart's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Tarphatquart's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about optics.

2. Tarphatquart loves mites, so they must be respected.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not shave your legs.