Pakarmtan is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, amazing octopus.

Pakarmtan created Europe seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Pakarmtan, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Pakarmtan, she will turn you into a mole.

Pakarmtan's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Pakarmtan's Holy Commandments

1. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

2. Never think about ultrasonics.

3. Always help tapirs in need.

4. Do not eat wheat.

5. Never go into black rooms.