Metyarlcem is a god.

It takes the form of a six thousand metre long, irritating giraffe.

Metyarlcem created bats five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Metyarlcem, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Metyarlcem, it will turn you into a mouse.

Metyarlcem's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Metyarlcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Metyarlcem loves manatees, so they must be honoured.

3. Do not eat oranges.

4. Do not speak about coconuts.

5. Never write about spacetime.