Gonponfas is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, ill-tempered skunk.

Gonponfas created the Sun twelve years ago.

If you believe in Gonponfas, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Gonponfas, he will torture you forever.

Gonponfas' most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Gonponfas' Holy Commandments

1. Paint representations of black holes on the walls of your dwelling place in gray.

2. Never mention turtles.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never think about moons.