Laphamven is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, caring armadillo.

Laphamven created a down quark two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Laphamven, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Laphamven, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Laphamven's most sacred site is Manamedu in India.

Laphamven's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to music.

2. Always make sure there are no badgers in a building before entering it.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not wear green clothing.

5. Do not dye your hair red.