Jarningman is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, kind salamander.

Jarningman created gold eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jarningman, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Jarningman, she will turn you into a goat.

Jarningman's most sacred site is Villaseta in Italy.

Jarningman's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed gooseberries to manatees while wearing green shirts.

2. Cats are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Do not sprint in public.

4. Erect three silicon sculptures of Jarningman on top of important buildings.

5. Always face the west before speaking sacred words.