Appteenlak is a god.

It takes the form of a galaxy-sized, stupid armadillo.

Appteenlak created the solar system seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Appteenlak, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Appteenlak, it will send two she bears to sort you out.

Appteenlak's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Appteenlak's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat peas.

2. Do not keep eight otters in a large pit.

3. Never feed bread to seals while wearing jumpers.

4. You must love Appteenlak.

5. Always pray immersed in water.