Quillortkar is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, slow raccoon.

Quillortkar created bats six million years ago.

If you believe in Quillortkar, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Quillortkar, she will turn you into a tree.

Quillortkar's most sacred site is Gulval in England.

Quillortkar's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Run away from indigo turtles, for they are unholy.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Pray towards the east.