Titquamgun Fonhapgud is a god.

She takes the form of a six thousand metre long, unselfish duck.

Titquamgun Fonhapgud created parasitic wasps four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Titquamgun Fonhapgud, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Titquamgun Fonhapgud, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Titquamgun Fonhapgud's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Titquamgun Fonhapgud's Holy Commandments

1. Never allow tortoises to witness sacred rites.

2. Worship no other gods but Titquamgun Fonhapgud.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Never discuss eukaryotes in public assemblies.

5. Titquamgun Fonhapgud loves grasshopers, so they must be respected.