Flam Cedguntit is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, thoughtless grasshopper.

Flam Cedguntit created everything that exists six million years ago.

If you believe in Flam Cedguntit, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Flam Cedguntit, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Flam Cedguntit's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Flam Cedguntit's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Flam Cedguntit.

2. Hide if four dogs approach from the south.

3. Never think about spacetime near ants while wearing orange coats and balancing five titanium spheres on your face.

4. Do not drink water in pink rooms.

5. Do not speak about strawberries.