Fonkanrig is a god.

It takes the form of a four hundred metre long, unsympathetic narwhal.

Fonkanrig created gold three billion years ago.

If you believe in Fonkanrig, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Fonkanrig, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Fonkanrig's most sacred site is Manna in Greece.

Fonkanrig's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Feed all hungry seals.

3. Never talk about quantum gravity near ducks while wearing magenta skirts and balancing three tin spheres on your feet.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Fonkanrig.

5. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.