Artquamstaf is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, smart chicken.

Artquamstaf created viruses nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Artquamstaf, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Artquamstaf, he will be mildly annoyed.

Artquamstaf's most sacred site is Uruachi in Mexico.

Artquamstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from magenta whales, for they are unholy.

2. Do not wear red clothing.

3. Artquamstaf loves snakes, so they must be honoured.

4. Look mercifully on unfortunate frogs.

5. Never go into mauve rooms.