Hatrapnan is a god.

He takes the form of a large, awesome walrus.

Hatrapnan created an up quark two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Hatrapnan, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Hatrapnan, he will turn you into a mole.

Hatrapnan's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Hatrapnan's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat beans on fasting days.

2. Do not utter prayers while touching silver.

3. Do not count beyond nine during ceremonies.

4. Learn eight new languages a year.

5. Do not listen to music.