Dobcunnaktof is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, selfish snail.

Dobcunnaktof created bats six billion years ago.

If you believe in Dobcunnaktof, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Dobcunnaktof, it will ignore you.

Dobcunnaktof's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Dobcunnaktof's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt dolphins.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Dobcunnaktof.

4. Never gather three great tits in one place.

5. Retreat if eight foxes approach from the north.