Bedloptamqueeg is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, quiet monkey.

Bedloptamqueeg created Europe four million years ago.

If you believe in Bedloptamqueeg, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Bedloptamqueeg, he will turn you into a small brown duck.

Bedloptamqueeg's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Bedloptamqueeg's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry great tits.

2. Always look after injured frogs.

3. Never write about chromosomes.

4. Always make sure there are no bats in a room before entering it.

5. Look mercifully on unfortunate sheep.